I love the word ‘autumn’
I think it looks beautiful, and sounds beautiful. And when you google image it all those idyllic colours come up.
So far, here, most things are still green.
I celebrated fall equinox with a swim in a lake and a bunch of crying
oops, I celebrated with crying again
what the what the?!
Maybe I’m shedding something
I’m writing a poem about crying
and all the reasons,
or some of them.
I am trying to make it a happy poem..
But there is not very much time for poeming (or crying, for that matter) because I am writing songs and there is a deadline for them.
Because I need to sing them in front of a camera and the shoot starts October 10th
Andrea Dorfman (my dear friend and the brilliant creator behind ‘How to be Alone’ and many other great projects) is making her 3rd feature film
And I will be in it, playing a leading role. Ok, the lead role.
That’s mildy terrifying, as I have not done much acting and so the learning curve is steep and intimidating.
Vulnerability to extreme degrees,
people expecting things of me
especially myself. I am expecting things of me.
So, I’ve been taking deep breaths in preparation
and writing songs, slowly, very slowly.
and swimming even though the water is getting colder,
and crying in moments.
My osteopath urges me to exercise more.
He says, discipline is not for anyone else but yourself
and, in this case, exercise is not so as to fit some sort of physical societal ideal, but to get blood and oxygen moving
to keep stress down
to keep joints functioning
all of that
I know all of that
This morning I watched zumba youtubes, to see if I could possibly ever bring myself to one of those classes
Yesterday, I watched a caterpillar trying to crawl along the lake and started crying when I realized it was going to die
like all those leaves floating along, picturesque
like all the lives on the planet
I know it’s a fact – death. Decomposition.
Still, it saddens me.
All the destruction happening all over the earth, all the suffering, the devastation, the fighting, the tears, the losing of love, the isolation
and all of this followed by death.
Seems overwhelmingly not okay sometimes.
Autumn is beautiful but it makes me think of death.
and ending and rotting and so I’m spending time crying.
Life is gorgeous and it’s always changing and I don’t know what to make of it
I guess I’ll keep writing poems and songs and trying to have a say in it, if only for my own angst with it.
Please know I am actually a joyful person
but it comes at the cost of a lot of thinking and crying, and then the joy emerges like a new skin, like an overturned leaf, like a new season in me.