Subtlety

Subtlety was never my specialty
and so…
without much thought to consequence i showed my heart and soul to many
i left little guessing
i was that book lying open, in full view, unprotected
some people told me i should close it up
at least, choose more carefully which pages to show
maybe don’t expose so much
apparently
there is an appropriate amount of sharing and I over do it
people are only comfortable up to a certain point and yet
i go right through it

well, maybe i missed the training
that day they went over closed book and open book and how much was too much information
or else, i was there, but the lesson must have lost me
’cause i thought its elements were slightly off and how could they possibly
be the same for us all

these days i am trying to find a fine balance with this
give people a view of my sincere self while keeping some things concealed within

’cause i was told that i should
and i’m curious to see what it might get me and i’m hoping it could be something good
like improved defences
or a heart less tormented
’cause if i didn’t let as many people in it to begin with
i would be less likely to be injured when they left it

if i could be more subtle no one would know when i was broken
as it stands right now though, i tend to break right open
spill out over coffee shop tables
try not to be noticed by the other patrons
’cause people don’t like to see random strangers crying, it makes them anxious

if i could be more subtle i wouldn’t make anybody anxious
i wouldn’t make them order their coffees to take away ’cause they were afraid if they got them to stay i would ask to borrow their hankies
no, i would be normal – meaning discreet – and this would be sort of amazing

but, subtlety wasn’t ever my specialty and maybe it’s gonna be hard to suddenly start changing
holding people away
knowing when to keep ’em out and when to bring ’em close and how to differentiate
anyway,
i want people to know me
this means the whole me, the true soul and all the many parts of me
the fragile and the tortured and the happy human heart in me
and so, subtlety… is just never gonna be… my specialty.